Enabling
What is Enabling?
Enabling refers to well-intentioned actions that protect someone from the outcome of their behaviors–softening or avoiding natural consequences and allowing destructive behaviors to continue. Enabling can occur in various forms: Financial, emotional and physical support and denial.
Financial Support: Providing money to someone struggling with addiction, which they may use to purchase substances. Often given with the best of intentions, money may also be used for necessities such as food and housing which allows other resources to be shifted to substances.
Emotional Support: Constantly rescuing or comforting someone without encouraging them to take responsibility for their actions contributes to low distress tolerance. Having a low threshold for emotional and/or physical discomfort often contributes to the cycle of addiction and may trigger use.
Physical Support: Doing tasks for someone that they are capable of doing themselves, such as cleaning up after them or covering for their mistakes. This contributes to a lack of responsibility and often leads to resentment and unfair expectations.
Denial and Minimization: Ignoring or downplaying the severity of someone's problematic behaviors. By engaging in minimization, one may be protected from the impact of their use on themselves and others. This contributes to unhealthy thinking errors that justify compulsive substance use.
Enabling is often driven by love, compassion, and a desire to help. However, it can create a cycle where the person being enabled is protected from the need to change, as their environment cushions them from the full impact of their choices.
Self Awareness: Enabling Behaviors
Recognizing enabling behaviors is the first step towards change. Here are some signs that you might be enabling:
Avoiding Confrontation: You avoid discussing the problematic behavior to keep the peace, contributing to low tolerance for emotional distress. Avoidance trades long-term discomfort for short term-relief.
Covering Up: You make excuses for the person's behavior or minimize it to others. This contributes to dishonesty and justifications to continue the behavior, often providing fuel for thinking errors that keep the behavior going.
Taking on Responsibilities: You take on tasks or responsibilities that the person should handle themselves, which will often leave you feeling resentful and over time causes damage to the relationship. You may find that you neglect your own needs in the process leading to feelings of frustration, hurt and anger.
Providing Financial Aid: You give money or resources that support the person's harmful habits. Not only does this allow the behavior to continue, but costs you as well!
Feeling Resentful: You feel resentful, exhausted, or taken advantage of, but feel compelled to continue. Maybe you don’t know how to stop!. This one is a sure sign that you need to make some changes. Expecting others to “know better” just is not going to happen. On the contrary, they have likely adjusted their expectations to your enabling.
The Impact of Enabling
Enabling has far-reaching consequences for both the enabler and the person being enabled. Continuously rescuing someone can take an emotional and physical toll, as the enabler neglects their own needs and well-being leading to self-abandonment.
For the person being enabled, the consequences can be even more severe. Enabling shields them from the natural consequences of their actions, which can delay or prevent the realization that change is necessary. Change has a process and requires a “critical mass” before it can occur. Enabling is a barrier to the change process and can perpetuate harmful behaviors and hinder personal growth and recovery. It is important to remember that this growth often happens outside of the comfort zone. Being too comfortable can lead to stagnation. Learning to tolerate another’s discomfort will be a necessary step in reducing enabling.
Overcoming Enabling Behaviors
Overcoming enabling behaviors requires a commitment to change, self-awareness, and a willingness to let go of control. AAAAAHHHH!! It can feel like stepping off a cliff.
Here are some strategies to help break the cycle of enabling:
Self-Reflection:
Reflect on your motivations for enabling. Are you driven by fear, guilt, or a desire to be needed? Understanding your reasons can help you address the underlying issues.
Consider how enabling affects your well-being and the well-being of the person you are enabling. Recognize that enabling is not truly helping either of you. Taking care of yourself will allow you to support yourself and the other person when they need you (support NOT enable)--there is a difference.
Set Boundaries:
Establish clear boundaries that protect your well-being and encourage the person to take responsibility for their actions. You can do this by modeling as you keep your “side of the street clean” and enforce healthy boundaries.
Get support for the times you feel sad or distressed about your loved one experiencing consequences for their actions.
Expect pushback. If you have been enabling, you will experience resistance from those who have been benefiting from your lack of boundaries. Again, this is where the support of a trusted friend, family member or professional is needed.
Encourage Responsibility:
Encourage the person to take responsibility for their actions and face the consequences. This might involve letting them handle their own problems, even if it means they experience discomfort or failure.
Offer support and encouragement as they navigate challenges, but resist the urge to step in and solve their problems for them. Acknowledge to yourself the amount of energy it takes to hold yourself back!
Seek Support:
Engage in support groups or therapy to gain insights and strategies for overcoming enabling behaviors. Support groups can provide valuable insight and understanding from others who have faced similar challenges.
Consider involving the person you are enabling in therapy or support groups, encouraging them to seek help and take proactive steps towards recovery.
Practice Self-Care:
Prioritize your own well-being by engaging in self-care activities and setting aside time for yourself. This can help you maintain the emotional and physical strength needed to set and enforce boundaries. It is also good modeling!
Recognize that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it is essential for your health and can set a positive example for the person you are supporting.
Improve your own distress tolerance. You must be able to tolerate your loved ones discomfort to endure urges to “fix.” Back to self care!